I am thankful for my life. Ben and I are in such a sweet place right now. I have a wonderful schedule at work where I am able to push my days together in one week and have the following week off. This coincides nicely with Ben's schedule. He only has class two days a week, which leaves us with a couple of full days together in the middle of the week. It's such a blessing to be able to enjoy quiet days together when the rest of the world is spinning crazily around us.
I love that it's just us for now. Yes, I desperately want to be a mom - I see a baby and my heart yearns for one of my own. Then I look at this sweet man I get to have all to myself and I am thankful for the time we are able to dedicate to one another only. I know that God is working on both of our hearts, preparing us to be parents - and it will take a long time! I am learning how to put my husband first more and more. By nature I am very selfish and immature (shh! Don't tell Ben I know this about myself!). God is teaching me how to handle disappointment with grace and maturity, and how take responsibility for my own actions and faults before passing them onto someone else (mainly my husband). I also believe he is softening my fiercely independent husband's heart towards a baby. We have a lot we want to accomplish before we make our twosome a threesome, and I am learning how to rest in this time, in this place.
I have always struggled with wanting to be two steps ahead of where I am. This impatience has caused me to overlook the blessings and joy that were in my current situation. I don't want to let that happen now, or ever for that matter. I remember a sweet moment just before I met Ben. I was in England feeling homesick, impatient and lonely. I wanted so badly to be in love and married. I remember walking across my room when the Lord stopped me and so clearly said "Stephanie, I have you right where I want you. Your future is in My hands, do not worry or fear. Have peace in this time." I heard Him and listened. I finally surrendered my worry and anxiety and felt a wave of overwhelming peace fill my soul. It was only a short time later that Ben emailed me for the first time - and I instantly knew that he was a gift and proof of provision.
It's hard to juggle joy in a current situation and anxiety for the future. Maybe that's why I'm not supposed to. Matthew 6:34 says "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." I'm working on it, and I'm not alone. God continues to bless me with little gifts, such as my sweet hubby pulling me closer and snuggling me tighter, to encourage me and remind me to be still in this moment. Have peace in the place and be joyful where I am - where we are.
Ok, I'm working on patience, but does anyone have suggestions on how to impress this point onto future-grandmas? ;)
Have a sweet day my friends,
Mrs. BigTime
I love this blog! You are so good with your words...I found myself relating to this a lot. I am always wondering where I'm supposed to be, am In the right place? What can I be doing to be more productive with my time? And in my heart of hearts, all I long for is a quiet day where I can just curl up, next to my dude and rest...Like you said. God gives us the spouse we have to challenge us, bless us, provide for us and ultimately, to bring us closer to Himself. It is God's greatest gift! You are so right : ) I hope you're doing well, it sure looks like you are! As for those oh-so-ready-to-be grandmas...I have no advice. We've only been married 2 months and they're pushing for it! Holy moly...You could try telling them that for every time they ask you, you're gonna make them wait one more month! That might do the trick...
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