Saturday, October 30, 2010

"I Know"

Last week at church, while worshiping to the beautiful song "How He Loves" (originally by David Crowder), Jesus spoke to me. Sometimes He will speak into our lives and we figure it out along the way, but sometimes He gives clear, direct pictures or words and you know you just received a sweet gift. This was one of those times.

I was somewhere lost in the chorus proclaiming "He loves us, oh how He loves us" when I saw a very pregnant woman make her way down the aisle below us. I didn't intend for it to, but her swollen belly tugged at my heart, just as they often do. Right then, as soon as I looked up God gave me a picture:

A belly, my belly, swollen with life just like the woman below in the aisle. But this time it was my baby inside of me. The baby I have wanted since the moment I knew how. Me, carrying my own baby. Then He spoke so clearly: "I know."

This image and those two simple words are so powerful for me. They tell me that He knows my heart. He knows my desires and He values them too.

I've only every revealed to Ben how frustrating it is to have a friend, family member, coworker or stranger respond to my desire to be a mother with statements like "Oh, wait, don't rush. You're so young!" I know they have good intentions and they are not saying thing to discourage me, but I do become so discouraged. I feel very unvalidated. I feel like my wants are not as important as those of my husband and I feel like I get no credit for the accomplishments I have already made in my "young" life. I understand that this is dramatic and sounds a lot like whining - I'm just being honest. I also know the people saying those things to me love me (well, except for the strangers, but whatev, you know what I mean) and also want me to bring a baby into our family when the time is just right. They intend to encourage me, but they are not able to do so.

I don't need somebody to give me a reason to wait to have a baby - Ben and I have our own reasons. I don't need somebody telling me I am doing the right thing - I know I am. If I didn't feel confident that we were making the right decision, we wouldn't be on this path.

I just want someone to understand. To tell me "I know."

Jesus knew I needed to have somebody tell me they understood. He knew I needed my desires to be validated. He knows how intricately laced the desire to have a baby is in my heart.

He loves me. Oh, how he loves me.

"I know."

What a sweet gift! I was so encouraged and my heart is so full. I know I am right where He wants me to be. I am in this season for a purpose. The next season will be sweeter because of this one. I know my heart is safe with Him. He knows my heart - after all, He created every desire within it.

I am again reminded of a verse given to me in another gift from God. Five years ago (almost exactly, as it was early fall), in a dark dorm room on a dreary day in city of Nottingham, England, God clearly told me He had me right where He wanted me. My heart was longing for it's perfect partner and I was lonely and losing sight of His plan for me when He stopped me to say: "You are right where I want you to be. I have him for you, trust me. But for now, dwell here in this land and feed on my faithfulness. I will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37:3-4). Two weeks later, my music lover man sent me his first email.

He was faithful then and He will be faithful again because He loves me. Oh, how He loves me. How He loves me so.

Thank you Jesus.

"How He Loves"

He is jealous for me.
Loves like a hurricane and I'm like a tree bending beneath the weight of His love and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so.
Oh, how He loves us.
He loves us so.

Yeah He loves us.
Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, We're all sinking
And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way

Oh, how He loves us so.
Oh, how He loves us.
He loves us so.

He loves us.
Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, how He loves.