A Battlecry

I feel the need to type some deep words. To offer my soul a bit of introspective. I intended to express my thoughts on people who have to do huge, life-alterinig things for the purpose of "finding themselves" and how God will show us who He wants us to be, we just have to look. In my thoughts about my thoughts (does that make sense?), my heart started aching a little. You see, I was feeling pretty good about how I don't need a big gesture in order to find who I am - I'm doing a pretty good job just living my life and satisfied right here where I am, but when I am really honest, I'm not. I am, but I'm not. It's so difficult for me to find a balance that allows me to be present and complete in this moment yet still look forward for the one that is to come.

Ben and I have been trudging through some muck lately. I'm so thankful for who he is, even though he drives me crazy sometimes. It is such a blessing to have a partner who you can be open with. Someone I trust enough to let him see even the ugly parts of me. Painted Grey is recording their first album right now, and they are pretty sure they are going to name it "We Wage War" (which is officially a secret, but I don't think anyone reads this blog, so I think me spilling the beans is OK). The song "We Wage War" is about the wars we fight in relationships and it's pretty fitting that Ben is designing the concept for the album cover. While brainstorming for an idea for the artwork, I saw a picture of a battle field covered with the ravages of war. Wounded ground, covered with the remnants of gunpowder and artillery shells, ashy smoke rising over the dark scene, a field wrecked with the wages of war. In the midst of the pain-soaked land is a couple standing in the midst of the now still chaos holding hands. I feel like that is where Ben and I are. Yes, the battle is not as fresh and the wounds are not as open, but we are there nonetheless.

We saw Eat, Pray, Love last night and to be honest, we were a little disappointed. I was because I read the book and it was so much better, Ben was because of the reason why the woman left her husband (it was very simplified in the movie). At one point, during their first negotiations for their divorce the husband cries out to his wife something like (I can't remember the exact words) "how can you just pick up and leave the moment you decide that what we want is too different to work thorough?" Ben was so offended that the woman chose to leave her husband because they wanted different things in life. You see, my husband is so loyal. He believes I am his wife. Forever. No if's, and's or but's. We took vows and we're in this for reals. That does not mean that we are disillusioned by the perfect vision of our life we both saw as we said those vows. This does not mean that we are always on the same page or that we both want the same things for our life. It simply means that whatever the case, we are in this thing together. We do want different things, but more than anything, we want to be true to the path that the Lord put us one. The one that put us together. As we said last night, I could have married a man that wanted to have babies right away, but just because his wants would match mine wouldn't mean that he was the perfect fit for me. I have my perfect match, but we sure don't match perfectly. Does that make sense?

So now, I'm standing here in this midst of the battle we're waging. Though it's currently calm, it's real. This life, this love, is something we're fighting for. Our days aren't always easy and the heaviness of real life is sometimes overwhelming, but we're here, in the midst and we're together. Holding hands in the middle.

Together, we wage war.

Coffee Cozy

I wanted to share my new find with y'all! Check out my super cute new coffee-cozy!

While browsing the internet last week I saw a post about these cute little things and I had to have one. I always use a sleeve when I get coffee and I realize that it is super wasteful and not at all eco-friendly. Also, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I have (more than once!) grabbed someone else's coffee at work and took a swig only to realize that it wasn't mine! No good!

So, in the name of being "green", sanitary and stylish, I ordered my very own coffee sleeve.

(nothing like a sweet treat to keep my brain functioning during a Pediatric Advanced Life Support class!)

I ordered from Etsy.com, seller PinkGasoline. I choose the "Blooms of Hearts" pattern, but it was hard to make a decision because there were so many cute fabric choices!

This was my first experience ordering from Etsy, and I was so impressed! The girls at PinkGasoline produced a very nice product and they delivered it extremely well. I received a thank you note after I purchased my sleeve and then another note when it was shipped. What I was most impressed with however, was their speed of service. I ordered my cozy on Wednesday and it was in my mailbox on Saturday! From South Carolina to Oregon in 2.5 days! Wonderful!

I've tried my cozy on both a Venti iced drink (perfect for catching condensation) and a tall hot drink (both from Starbucks - what can I say, it's addicting and convient - we have a store in our hospital lobby!) and it fit great for both. I'm so impressed and thankful that not only will I be using less paper and not burning my hands but I will never reach for someone else's coffee again!

Here are a few other cute cozy's from PinkGasoline:

Go get one for yourself!

A New Challenge

I started my career as a nurse just wanting to work with kids. I was fortunate to start in the place where I did (Peds Acute Care). I developed a strong foundation and learned good time-management. I learned to prioritize and think critically. I became comfortable with doing what I was doing. I was good at it and I loved it. I loved knowing what to expect and how to respond to common complications. I loved who I worked with and I loved being able to be involved. Despite that, I felt like I wanted to do something more. Something a little less predictable, a little more scary. I wasn't ready though. I was afraid, intimidated. Then I wen to Haiti.

I went to Haiti with a group mostly consisting of pediatric intensive care (PICU) nurses and physicians (there were 4 acute-care people, myself included). I had the opportunity to get to know them and to see them in action. I remember a moment very clearly. I was working in the NICU (a corner of the PICU) when another patient's heart just stopped. I didn't realize what was happening right away, but Joanne (the patient's primary nurse) and Pam (the manager of our PICU) anticipated it happening a second before it actually did. All of a sudden, the two of them jumped up, grabbed the baby put her on the exam table and began CPR. I started freaking out. Shaking, goosebumps - a total mess! I could only stand there and watch in awe (it was all I could do to keep standing). They however, were so calm. At one point, Joanne looked over at me (as she continued doing compressions) and asked me, so calmly, for some epinephrine. There was no panic in her voice. No inclination of fear, just a solid grasp on what she was doing. She was so composed, so practiced, so perfect. So bad-ass.

They eventually stabilized the baby and afterward I told Pam how impressed I was and how I felt so utterly helpless during the whole thing. She simply told me, "this wasn't our first code." She made me feel ok with where I was as a nurse, and that I too, could do it in time. She even told me "we'd love to have you [work in the PICU]" after seeing my uselessness! Wow.

When I got back, I felt the urge to move. I battled with it for a while, but the Lord told me He had big plans for me. I had families to care for and a big job to do. It was time, ready-or-not, and when a position opened I took it.

It took a few months to make the transition, but it's official. I am now a PICU nurse. I started orientation on Monday. It's so different than what I am used to (partly because I'm on nights - I'm praying for a dayshift soon!), but it's good. I have so much to learn oh! I dived head first into ventilators and trach suctioning and after 3 days, I'm starting to get the basics - the very, very basics. I'm so intimidated, but in a good way.

Maybe someday, many, many days from now, I'll feel bad-ass too. :)

Introduction to Parenthood, Part I

Ben's sister Hannah is in town for the summer and Ben has been anxious to get her out backpacking. Their days finally matched last week and the two of them headed to Eagle Creek with Bridger in tow (I was working so I stayed behind). I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but our dog is an adventure dog! He LOVES to be outside and you've never seen a dog so happy as Bridger when we strap his pack on and head out. He's a born trail dog!

That being said, we thought nothing of taking him to Eagle Creek (16 miles round trip). The three of us did the same hike last year and we had done a similar hike a few weeks back (Angels Rest). It never occurred to us that Bridger's feet may not be ready for such a task.

On the way out Ben started to notice that Bridger wasn't keeping up like he normally does (he's usually right behind our legs hoping that we let him be the leader), but he was smiling and tail was wagging so they carried on. Eventually, Ben became more concerned and looked at his feet. Bridger's poor pads were raw! Poor thing! They had no choice to continue on, though Ben carried Bridger's pack for the rest of the hike and went as slow as Bridger wanted to go.

They made it home just before I got home, but when I walked in the door and Bridger didn't run to the door to give me a rowdy hello, I knew something was wrong. Poor Ben, he felt so guilty as he retold me the story! While Ben researched what to do, I sat on the floor next to our sick baby and he just laid his head on my lap and let me pet him for a long time (he is normally way too playful to be a cuddle-bug). Because it was late and we didn't think a trip to the animal hospital was in order, we decided to clean his paws, slather them with antibiotic ointment, wrap them in gauze and reassess in the morning.

We set up a little cleaning station in the living room (so B wouldn't have to move from where he was laying) and tended to his feet as delicately as we could. Ben was so gentle, though nervous and was a pretty good assistant for me as I wrapped the bandage around our squirmy puppy's feet. We laughed as we were cleaning up because we felt like we had just had our first taste at the not-so-glamorous side of parenthood. Our baby was sick and we had to do something!

Well, our fumbling did the trick because Bridger was much more perky the next morning and just about back to his old self the next night.

This post may not interest many people, but I wanted to be sure to remember Ben and my first time playing doctor in our home and the time when we tended to our first sick baby.

3 Years - Long Overdue

Whew! I can't believe it's July! These past 2 months have flown by! Well, as you can read below, April was pretty much filled with Haiti and I spent a good part of May processing the experience (I have another post or two to write, but I haven't had the time to open my heart to it again, putting the whole thing in words was a heavy, healing task and I want to be sure to do it well). Toward the end of May Ben and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. Talk about time flying! Three years?!? Holy moly!

We had decided to go away to celebrate and my heart was set on camping. I didn't care where we went or what we did, I just wanted to take our little family somewhere outdoors, pitch a tent and savor Gods goodness while surrounded with dirt and the sweet smell of campfire.

We had to be flexible, as life started to throw us some curveballs. Some snafus with our schedules came up (I had to work, Ben had an unexpected show), the forecast for every spot within driving distance showed nothing but torrential showers, unexpected bills came up leaving our finances were really, really tight (we were rationing our final bits of cash until I got paid), and to top it off on the morning of our trip, I went to Les Schwab to have a funny shake looked at (I figured the tires just needed to be rotated - some mechanics daughter I am!) and ended up with a whole new set of tires.

I must admit, both Ben and I felt very defeated. We were run down, stressed and the thought of a fun vacation seemed very unlikely. However, in the end, we decided to trudge on. We had a reservation at the McMenamins Old St. Francis in Bend and we were at least going to go for a drive and stay in a nice room on our anniversary. And, for good measure, we threw our backpacks in the trunk on the off chance the skies would part and we could hit the trail for a night or two.

I am so glad we didn't choose to stay home! We loved the Old St. Francis! It's a small McMenamins but not short on charm! We found out when we arrived that we had booked the nicest room in the house (it was the last one left), complete with a King size bed and TWO claw foot bath tubs. It was so lovely!

We took Bridger for a walk around downtown Bend and quickly got to dreaming about what it would be like to live in one of the cute houses surrounding the perfect downtown. After our walk we were took advantage of the complimentary movie and enjoyed some tots while watching Alice in Wonderland in the movie theater. After the movie we had some awesome cocktails (passionfruit margarita - yum!) and then headed back to our room and ordered room service. We took Bridger for another walk after dinner. We held hands tightly, smooched and sillily talked to each other as we enjoyed our completely refreshing break from reality. We didn't expect to feel so rejuvenated after only one evening, but we did!

Ben kept a close eye on the weather throughout our evening and much to our surprise, we found a spot calling for sun! We woke early the next morning, enjoyed a delicious breakfast and then headed just outside Sisters to Alder Springs Trail.

**I meant to finish and post this many, many days ago, but here I am, July 10th!**

Alder Springs was wonderful. There is a short (2.5 miles) hike down a desert trail into a beautiful meadow laced with bubbling brooks and sweet, green grass. It truly is a secret paradise in the middle of a dry, dusty desert. We set up camp next to the brooke and let the gentle bubble lull us into a state of utter relaxation.

Bridger was so excited to get on the trail! That dog loves being outside! We got him a little backpack so he can help carry his gear (and to hopefully tire him out - he never slows down!) and after a few minutes of total paralyzation followed by some full-blown gallops, he carried his pack like it was made for him.

(We took a day hike to where the Deschutes River met with the spring.)

Our few days away were so wonderful and we quickly forgot the stress that was involved with us actually getting away. We so needed the break from the "real world" and we savored our the time we got to spend just being together.

We are so blessed to have a strong marriage. That is not to say that it is an easy marriage (I don't think any marriage is) or that we don't have our own day-to-day struggles, but we are blessed. The past three years have been so good to us, even when times have been hard. Ben and I have both grown and our relationship has settled upon a foundation of trust, love and faith. Of course, we're only three years in and we've got a lot of years ahead of us! We'll continue to build on the foundation we've set, of course, but at this point, where we are now, we feel like we've got the hang of each other and in my husband's words "We're good."

We're really good.